From the Bible, we are challenged to love our fellow-man as we love God because He asks how can we love Him, who we have never seen, when we can not love each other, who we see every day. I must admit that this is a challenge for me. Not in loving my friends and family but in finding love with a lifelong mate.
I am afraid that I don’t know how to love the way a woman should love a man in a relationship. If you read my post last Sunday, Loving Him, you probably initially thought that it was going to be about my love for God or the great love my life but the end provided a cute little twist. That post came about when I was asked to write a piece on love for S.H.E. Agency’s February newsletter. I wrestled with the topic for about a week because I never really wrote about love from my heart. During this soul-searching, I began to acknowledge what I already knew, I don’t know how to love in a relationship, how to love with my emotions instead of through a thought process. I know what it means to be present, to give of my time, to be considerate and caring but I don’t think I have found someone that I am willing to let down my guard with and open my heart freely. My love is a decision that comes from my head but not yet from my heart.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
I have heard this passage quoted on many occasions and in many contexts. To me it describes the excellence or idealized love. This love is easy with family because you expect drama, you expect to be wronged at some time by them but know that forgiveness is right around the corner. This love is easy with friends because on some level you know that their friendship may only be for a season. You treasure them when they are near, miss them when they are far and rejoice when they return. This love is hard for relationships because the expectation of a love being all things and bearing all things throughout eternity seems somewhat surreal.
I wish I could blame my problem on a lack of “good” men but I have been lucky to come across some truly special men in my life, but I wasn’t ready to love them as they should be loved, not because of a lack of desire but perhaps a lack of ability to fully trust the kindness, unselfishness and truthfulness of their love. I can’t get out of head wondering if it is real, are they serious, could this really be it? I need someone who will teach me how to love, to be patient as I learn how to surrender my heart, to teach me to get my emotions involved so that I can believe, hope and endure all things that may come our way.
(lyrics from “Teach Me” by Musiq Soulchild)
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