List #9 Feelin’ some kind of way

 

1. “I don’t know. I’m so tired and evil I don’t seem to be able to think straight.” JB
2. My eyes opened at 5am and i couldn’t go back to sleep. All I wanted to do was read. I wish I could swing reading at this same time every day. It was perfectly silent, no distractions and the words seemed to melt into me so much so that every few seconds I had to put the book down.
3. I wanted to throw it, but didn’t want to get out of my warm bed to retrieve it. #lazymoment
4. Yesterday I felt like crying because the day was going to bad and there was nothing I could do about it
5. I decided to reach out for help
6. Help:
1. “I’m A little sad

I’m a little happy

And mixed emotions weigh more

Than the sum of their parts

So right now, don’t tell me to lighten up

1. Haiku

Don’t know what to say

Poet at a loss for words

I’ll use tears instead

                  c. Thank you Alise. Your words helped me make it yesterday

1. I have been slipping lately. So burdened down by responsibility that I can’t actually accomplish anything.
2. overwhelmed
3. overextended
4. over it
5. My feelings got really hurt yesterday. Someone I thought was a friend, someone I used to be extremely close to, someone that I share a past with completely cut me out of their life and I honestly have no idea why. I’m not angry. Just hurt. And this person is the definition of passive aggressive so I know I will never get an explanation of what happened.
6. Definition of growth: Instead of dwelling in the loss of someone who wasn’t meant to be in my life anyway, I am focusing on the people that I know love me and are down for me through it all.
7. Relationships end. We have to deal with it, acknowledge that fact that it hurts, and then move on.
8. Lacing up track shoes. I gotta get out of here.
9. Today I decided to spend the day with James Baldwin and Jill Scott
10. For some reason, maybe because I have been so open, so emotional, so aware of how I’m feeling, Jill was really speaking to me. She was grinding out a place in the core of me and just sitting there, Indian style, blowing smoke and clouding my thoughts.
11. I never noticed her follow through on notes. She carries a note until the bitter end before she attacks the next one. I wonder if that woman knows how powerful and important she is. #musicsaveslives
12. I met Jill twice. Well I met her once, and saw her again. The first time we met she kept telling me how much we looked alike and how we could be sisters because we favor each other so much.
1. I didn’t know how to take that at the time. Jill Scott is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen and I was never able to see myself that way.
2. Now I understand that it was our spirits that were kindred. I promise you we are related somehow
3. When I saw her the second time it was weeks later at her book signing and she remembered my name. The people in line thought I was her for a second which is slightly stupid, but it made me feel good. Then she remembered my name. I don’t get star struck ever, but I really want her to adopt me. Serious.
13. My 04 inspired me at 5:15 this morning when I checked my facebook.
14. I now know what to do for my next novel.
15. I want to be raw. Open. Exposed. Naked. Free. Exploratory. Fresh.
16. The next book will not be about love. It will be about the self.
1. Discovery
2. Exploration
3. Feelings
4. Emotions
5. Poetry
6. Art
7. Journals
8. Life
17. I’m excited
18. This is not like me and I’m scared and uncomfortable but so ready to conquer this beast.
19. I’ve been separated from everyone. It has been beautiful because I don’t feel like I have a floating device to latch on to. I have to just swim for myself and see where I wind up
20. The exercise is making me stronger. And happier. And freer. I’m starting to see a pattern
21. My brother sent me a text today and I realized how much I miss him. But how much I need to be on this island of Brandelyn. I’m not waiting for a rescue ship, I’m simply content here alone. I know how to get back when I’m ready. But its nice to know I’m being thought about.
22. I’m thinking about something I posted yesterday about my need to be held for a long time. The funny thing is that I’d probably shrink away from it and end it before I got what I needed. I don’t know how to be still and be held and be taken care of.
23. I’m going to be an amazing wife and mother. If I decide that that is what I want to do.
24. Still on the fence with that one.
25. “Now remember that. If the world wasn’t so full of dead folks. Maybe those of us that’s trying to live wouldn’t have to suffer so bad.” JB
26. I choose to live my life. I won’t be amongst the living dead. Burdened down. Confused. Suppressed. Good, bad or Ugly, I’m choosing to live.
27. I see my freedom poking its head out like the horizon. All I have to do is be patient and wait for the light to hit me.

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