List #7 Emotional Hangover

1. Today is a day to sit outside and watch the sun play in the leaves. For open windows, a random mix of music, heavy on guitar strings and lyrical content and that clean house good feeling.
2. “If you want to challenge yourself as a writer, you have to challenge yourself as a reader.” –Me
1. I am working my way through the yellowed and brittle pages of ‘Another Country’ by James Baldwin.
2. I was right in my assumption that this book would make me uncomfortable, but I welcome the feeling
3. I’ve been so comfortable lately that I have become numb. Numb to my feelings, numb to my thoughts, numb to my gifts. I have been painting, writing, singing, dancing, with absolutely no feeling. Forcing myself mechanically to live.
1. I wonder if I would be better off wearing all black and sitting in the corner some where.
2. Shout out to the God in me that just won’t let that happen…
4. I’m confused by our conversation yesterday. Confused yet, somehow liberated
1. Confused: I wonder when I will learn my lesson. When will I heed the warning signs before I fall into the ditch? When will I allow myself the moment to acknowledge that I deserve more before the realization slaps me across the face? I don’t want to smile because of him, but it is inevitable with our interactions….
2. Liberated: I was a woman about my situation. I got the answers to my questions. I am free from the weight of guessing. Now I can move forward. Free.
5. I think he underestimates me because I am sweet. I personally find that to be hilarious. If he only knew. Sadly, he never truly will.
6. I think he is trying to find an emotional connection that just can’t be. I don’t do complicated. I deserve better than complicated.
7. I am complicated enough as it is… no thank you.
8. I’m glad the sun came out this morning. It’s not warm, but its bright.
9. I like bright.
10. I need bright.
11. Something about bright makes me remember that its okay and I am supposed to: Live.
12. I made a very calm and rational decision yesterday to stop eating meat again.
1. Yes, it would a lot easier to continue eating meat and having a lot more options, but I feel the need to challenge myself.
2. I got a glowing Doctor’s report a few weeks ago and that is due solely to my diet. It sho’ ain’t from working out.
13. I need to practice more discipline.
14. Get my steps back in order. I have been off track. Just in general.
15. Pushing myself, challenging myself, creating a space of discipline…*my secret hope is that all of this will push me back into working on my novel.
16. See I told you that it wasn’t always that deep.
17. We are in two different worlds. On two separate paths, discovering, touching, exploring, learning different things. And that’s ok. I have this strong impulse not to talk to you, which is strange considering that usually we talk every day, but I feel the need to travel alone. It makes it a lot easier because I don’t see you as much, or hardly ever. Which is good. We need to grow.
18. The people I really want to share this journey with, in a way that can’t be expressed with words are far away from me
1. Some physically
2. Most mentally
19. Blood is thicker than water, so I’m not worried. We will cross paths again, and get back to us, but right now this distance is good, healthy.
20. “I allow myself to feel everything I’m feeling.” –Jill Scott
21. “Still with these strange tears threatening to boil over at any moment…” –JB
1. Lonely is heavy. Palpable. Like a wool coat in the summer.
2. But you will be stuck with that burden until you learn to release it, and find solace within yourself. Then allow people into your bubble for enrichment and comfort, but not for sanity.
22. I am learning a lot about me. For example, I like the fact that my nose wrinkles in the middle when I am amused and when I am annoyed.
23. My eyes will always carry the same sparkle, but my nose gives me away. Most people don’t take the time to notice details like that.
24. Having this time and space to be on my own journey has allowed me to see things like that.
25. Medicine for Melancholy spoke to me in an incredibly profound way.
26. Perceptions: I’ve been thinking about these a lot lately. When I look at myself, I see a work in progress. I see someone who has a lot of potential, but hasn’t fully tapped in to it yet.
1. I am not impressed with the fact that I have written 3 books. I look at my babies and get excited, but I realize that I have more work to do. A lot more.
2. If you really knew me, you would know that I prefer doing my work in the background. Behind the scenes. I always wince at the spotlight and try to cover my eyes. I wonder if I will ever get comfortable there.
3. I get extremely nervous in front of a crowd. Most times I can suck it up. Sometimes I can’t. I am a human.
27. I wonder if the time will come when I feel good enough
28. I hope not. I always want to expect more. Strive to achieve more. Want to be more. Stay hungry and grow.
29. The last time I felt free was that summer of my dreams. That grant would be amazing to get. Even if I have to wait a year.
30. God is amazing.
31. I am happy today. Content. Warm.
32. Possibilities give me hope. Get me excited. Its not even really about the actual event happening, its about the possibility of it happening. *makes sense to me.
33. “I’ve got so little time left, Lord, don’t let me lose it all.” JB
34. Yeah.

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