Last week I told the women about our big set up and I thought it fair to share with the men how they were set up also.

On Monday, I revealed, in Success Secret #14, that people don’t change.  It has bothered me for years that our society expects men to be the exception to this rule once they get married.  There are three expectations that we have of men once they get married that is contrary to the way most males were raised.

1. Boys are taught to be hunters but once they get married, they are supposed to retire.  I know many guys that wrestle with this notion because all of their lives they have been encouraged to sow their wild oats, as we saw in “Coming to America.”  They are congratulated for going out in packs and snagging the best catch.  However, it does not seem that a boundary was ever set in their minds as to when the game is supposed to end.  I liken fidelity to drug addiction.  Everyone from your minister to your mother can tell you the difference between right and wrong, but until you decide for yourself that you want to do different; you will continue exhibiting the same behavior and doing the same things that you have always done.  We don’t teach our little boys about the value of a female rather she is seen as someone that must be conquered and when these little boys become adults, we expect them to all of a sudden begin to view our women as their queens to be treasured.  Fellas, you need to start being honest about your relationship tendencies.  You know if you are a one-woman man or if you like to play the field.  Don’t lead a woman on and make her think that she is your one and only if she isn’t.  In today’s society with STD’s and AIDs, you are playing a very dangerous game with other people’s lives.  It’s not fair.  Honesty is hard and sometimes it hurts a lot more than telling a lie but in being true to yourself, your mates deserve no less.  Being faithful and taking yourself out of the hunt is a choice.  It is not something that just happens over night or with the slip of a ring on a finger.  You must choose to forsake all others for this one and stick with that choice.  You will be faced with temptations because it is the nature of the hunter to want to continue to seeking conquests but you have to choose happiness with your current catch.  There will always be some woman that is smarter, funnier, sexier, etc.  However, learn from the guy in “Why did I get married” when he traded in his woman that was 80% of what he wanted for someone who was only 20%.  He couldn’t see how great that 80% was because he was so focused on the 20% that she wasn’t.  Yet he realized by the end of the movie how much better 80% is than 20%.
2. Boys are taught to suck it up and that emotions are for wimps.  However, once they get in a relationship, they are supposed to have a burning desire to share their feelings on a regular basis.  All of their lives they have been told to find a solution to the problem don’t sit around and whine about it or to brush it off and keep moving.  I think women set ourselves up for failure and our relationships when we expect men to behave contrary to their natural tendencies.  I am not a very emotional or expressive person in relationships and often have guys tell me that they don’t think I care because I don’t sit around and talk about my feelings for them.  In my opinion, and I have often been told that I have a male view on this subject, if I am spending my time (which is very valuable and limited) with you, you should know that I care about you.  I believe that actions speak louder than words and many guys have been told to stop talking about it and start being about it.  Rather than sit around talk about how to score a touchdown, they are trained to go out and make a play.  If a guy is calling you and making time to spend with you, don’t spend useless energy stressing about why he hasn’t said, “I love you” or wondering if he really cares.  When a guy calls you more than he calls his best friend or his mother, take that as your cue that you are valuable in his life.
3. Not many men grew up as cheerleaders.  Most women that I know expect their mate to be one of their biggest cheerleaders in whatever their venture; however, men are team “players.”  They like being a part of the action and often lose interest when there is no place for them.  If a woman wants a man to be supportive, the probability of receiving that support increases exponentially when she asks for the support.  Women should never assume that a man would automatically stand on the sidelines and cheer her to victory.  I do believe that a man wants his woman to succeed but they have a different way of showing their support.  Have you ever seen a relationship situation where it seemed that the man was jealous of his woman’s success?  I don’t think men get jealous of our success rather they often start to feel that they are no longer a part of team and have trouble reconciling their place in her success.  Your man will be your biggest cheerleader and if you let him know where he fits in on the team.

I believe that knowledge is power.  Once we start getting real about who we really are and what we are really capable of doing and being, we can start to have successful relationships with one another.  So many of have this idealized view of who we should be and who our mates should be that we can’t just accept people (and ourselves) for who we really are.  I think these are just three instances where men were programmed one way yet when they reach adulthood we expect the program to produce outputs inconsistent with the inputs.

What do you think guys?  Were you really set up or is it just my imagination?