December 26, 2009
“Avoiding depression with massive daily doses of television programs.” Paulo Coehlo
I’ve been doing this for the last couple of days, allowing the voices and mindless dribble of fictitious characters to drown out the voices in my head. Avoiding the questions and the clarity, allowing my mind to pause from its daily work out and just be. If I were to take a moment to be honest with myself, I would say that a lot of the time I don’t even understand myself and I get frustrated because I desperately sift through my relationships searching for someone else who can decipher the clues.
Sometimes I beat myself up for not having a smile on my face. When I don’t smile, or can’t feel that moonbeam of joy from somewhere deep within I feel guilty because I have this image to protect, these poems to write and these moments to live to inspire and encourage someone else. But sometimes I just don’t feel like it.
Sometimes I feel the need to explain my thoughts, really try to break them down, even when they don’t make sense to me, hoping that if I talk enough, somehow, some way they will make sense. But people don’t always understand that. I don’t talk to hear myself talking, I talk because I need to work some things out and my laptop can’t always provide answers so I reach, hoping that someone will be able to help me make sense of all of this.
Sometimes I think about how fragile life is, and how we only have this very moment we are living in and how desperate I am to truly show the people in my world how much they mean to me because this could be the last second we have to share. A lot of people don’t get that. They hear me say I love you and it is met with an immediate mimic of the words, but they don’t hear what I’m saying. I’m saying, you mean the world to me. I appreciate having you in my life. I would do anything for you because… I love you. So I’ve decided to stop saying it. I will let my actions speak for themselves until the words have meaning again.
Sometimes I believe in people and sometimes I regret letting people get close to me. I despise being vulnerable and I underestimate the power of having people look at me and just know what is going to come out of my mouth next. I realize that I am becoming slightly antisocial. I prefer one on one, or small group outings where people can talk to each other. I don’t do well in big groups, never have. I wonder what that means.
I know that I will snap out of this moment. I have to experience this so I can grow and grow up. To be able to appreciate the sunshine when it comes. Sometimes I just need to breathe, accept how I am feeling and move forward. I need to accept that it is okay to feel this way. That it is okay to wrap myself in shrouds of blue, because I know that I have the power to take it off. Shake loose my hair and smile.
Writing is my peace. Even as I get the darkness of some of these thoughts onto the page, I feel my blue shroud beginning to unravel. Today I feel like surrounding myself with music. Music that moves and moves me. I will leave the tv off, step away from the couch and breathe. Another piece of my shroud just dropped to the floor and I feel like a smile is on the horizon.
Today I will get back to my first love, my passion, my purpose, my calling. Novel number 4 is going to come out of this. This quiet time I have been blessed with, this separation from the rest of the world which is necessary for me to have. I am choosing to write. Breathe life onto the page and allow my mind to flow through the greater good. Maybe my characters will help me figure out these thoughts. Maybe that is the world that this complex mind of mine needs to be in for a little while.
Ah, yes. There it is. A smile.
Peace Y’all
B
Nican Robinson Photography © 2009
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