September 24th, 2009
For the first time in my absolute life I don’t want to write. Writing is where I am the most exposed, the most vulnerable and I don’t know if I can take anymore emotion today. As I was walking home from work, I tried calling people in my circle and when no one was available, instantly I felt alone. I ask God sometimes why I love the way I do. Why when someone hurts me I can still love them with everything I have. Why can’t I turn it off and just be normal? I feel so alone, even though my rational side reminds me that I’m not. I can dish out love, but I don’t know how to genuinely receive it. I don’t know how to cry. I cry after weeks and months of suppression and finally something tiny will trigger the floodgates. I want to learn how to let people love me. How do I truly accept love and soak in a hug. Pastor Trenese’s death really showed me how much I need to learn how to let people love me. I only let people come in so much, but before things get too deep, too emotional, I will quickly crack a joke or turn the conversation back to them, anything to avoid having to expose myself or deal with my real feelings. I miss Noah. I miss having him to talk to when I need it. He is my person, the one that I can fall apart in front of and he just takes it. He doesn’t try to fix it, he doesn’t try to suppress it, he doesn’t try to make it better. He just creates the space, the safe space, the guilt free space, where I can just let it out. He has taught me a lot about family, and loving people, or allowing them to love me rather. Now that he’s gone I don’t feel like I have that feeling anymore, that family base here in the bay that I can call in a time of need and tonight, I realize that this is because I am blocking it from happening. I am the strong one. I am the one who cares for everyone and I don’t give myself the space to be loved. But the thing is, I don’t know how to change it. How can I change it?
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