Normally, I would NEVER do this, but I can’t think of any other way to express everything that is going on in my head. So…wow…I can’t believe I’m doing this…here is a page from my journal written this morning…
Friday, September 11, 2009
*Lord, please read this page*
The time is 5:30 am and my bear is on the floor along with my pajamas. It was so warm last night that I didn’t want anything touching me. Honestly, that’s actually how I’ve been feeling in general lately. I don’t want anything or anyone touching me, or in my space. I think I just need a couple of minutes to figure myself out. Work out these kinks in my head.
I slept really good last night. Yesterday was a crazy long day at work and while overall it was a decent day, I have to be honest and say that I am truly, truly thanking God for the promises He has given me. I am definitely not complaining because I enjoy my job and I have a lot of fun working with the kids. Those jokers are hilarious. But everything else about it, pretty much goes against who I am as a person, as an artist. Which when I take a second to think about it, is really deep. I have not been able to BE an artist and especially a writer because without my even realizing it, my life has become routine and lacking color. I feel my burnt orange slowly melting into brown waiting for the moment before it fades completely into gray. I am deathly afraid of that. I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass door that leads into my building yesterday and I had to pause because I didn’t even recognize myself. With my conservative hair style and the business casual outfit with the CARDIGAN?! and sensible dress shoes?! WHAT IS GOING ON?! The girl with the big hair and the bright colors and the big smile is the girl I’m starting to miss. I can’t remember the last time I smiled from my heart. I miss that girl. This person who drags in from work, who has to hold her tongue 90% of the time because if it is a choice between kissing someone’s butt or holding your tongue…silence is golden. I don’t know. I just don’t want to feel like I am losing myself and right now I definitely feel like I am.
So right now, I am trying to find a way to still myself and seek God. Stilling myself lately has become really hard because my mind has been too full to focus. I have not been talking to ANYONE about the things that are going on in my brain, and I feel like I am about to burst. But Praise God that He woke me up so early this morning and gave me the day off from my workout (thank you Jesus…no for real…thank you) so I can relieve some of the pressure and write it out.
Something just hit me. I think the real thing I am afraid of is not conformity to the job…but more so I am afraid of routine. I run from it. I’ll change jobs, I’ll move, across the country if I have to, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that my eyes are taking in new life and my creative juices continue to flow. Whatever it takes to make sure I keep myself from slipping into a monotonous routine.
I haven’t been working on my new novel, because my life has become so routine. I don’t want to talk about the same things in the same way or tell the same story. I want to stretch myself as a writer and think outside of my own box. Man, come to think of it, maybe being alone isn’t what I need. Maybe, I need someone to talk to about this. Sigh.
So yeah. That’s what’s been racing through my little head. Too much as usual. I feel like I am fighting for my happiness and my sanity. Some way to make it through until the promises come to pass. And they ARE coming. Praise God for that.
Peace,
Bee
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