Every so often I feel like I go through this time of extreme change and growth. Every time I get comfortable in my life, everything is flowing along fine, I don’t really need much, God will literally step in and shake my entire world up. Recently all of my crutches were snatched from underneath me. Its not until the crutch is gone that you truly realize that it is a crutch, but suddenly, all of the people I spent most of my time with were scattered, the relationships that I depended on were suddenly placed out of my reach and before I could stand there with my hands in the air, asking what the heck happened, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and a voice whisper, ‘Hi B, remember me?’

There is always more I can do to improve on my relationship with God. I can never pray enough, read enough, study enough, there is no way I can learn everything there is to know about God, He will always find a way to surprise me. I love that about Him. Yet, there are times, when I forget that. When I get comfortable singing on the praise team, thinking that’s enough, or doing my morning devotional, but making sure I have enough time to check my email or facebook and throwing a quick moment in to pray instead of really getting on my face. I am slowly realizing that God wants all of me. ALL of me. All of my time, my thoughts, my hopes, my passion, everything. So when I am not in a place where I am giving Him everything, He will put me in a place where I have no choice but to focus in and actually listen to His instructions.

It’s interesting because during this time I find that I am at my most vulnerable. I find myself in desperate need of a hug, fighting tears, super sensitive because I am searching for something and I can often only shake that feeling by praying and honestly giving everything over to God. I find myself getting frustrated with “religion” and find myself blocking out all of the rules, all of the protocol, especially when I go to church and find myself simply searching for Jesus, desperate to get everything I can from him.

Growing up and maturing can hurt sometimes. Coming to face to face with things in your life that need to change, hurts, but ultimately it’s for our own good. With all of my people now scattered off and branching off into their new lives, I realize that now this time to grow and stretch is a blessing. There are so many ideas spinning around inside of me that I have not taken the time to pay attention to and cultivate. This time of solitude is for a purpose. I can’t write a book with 50 million things to do because I won’t be able to get into the zone and really spend time with the characters. My morning Bible studies for the last few weeks have been fantastic because my mind has been clear and I have perfect quiet and peace to really hear the instructions God is giving me.

I guess for the first time I can say that I’m not afraid of growing up. A lot of character flaws that God wants to mold out of me and finally, for once, I am quiet, in my secret place listening. I know that the relationships that bear fruit will continue to prosper and grow. I no longer mourn the relationships that had to end because now I have more room for more fruit. Yes, there will be some tears, and yes it will hurt sometimes, but I have to keep my eyes focused on the lessons and who I will become as I am tried in the fire.
Peace Y’all
B

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